The Parenting Philosophy of Rochester Parenting Coach can be summed up in 3 basic foundational parenting principles: KISS, set yourself up for success, and there is hope. Essential to these principles is my mission is to empower parents with reflection, intention, and improved communication. While my hope that your family dynamic improves, my intention is that is comes from the parents trying new approaches as a result of our work together not the kids simply learning new behaviors. This will create confidence in parents and lasting change in their family.
The first principle is KISS–keep it simple, stupid!
So much of modern-day parenting is a bunch of stuff that gives parents anxiety that they aren’t (insert verb here) for their children. While kids can be confusing for adults, they aren’t really too complex if you understand their emotional, cognitive, and behavioral development. All kids (really, all people!) want attention, love, and to be cherished. Yes, obviously you need some ‘stuff’ to raise a child but don’t be confused by what you want to give your child and what they actually need. Needs are: a place to sleep, healthy food to eat, toys to keep them stimulated, a safe environment, a good sleep schedule, medical attention when necessary. Wants are: lots of toys, vacations, added sugar, new almost-anything.
Behaviorally, your kids–no matter their age–need boundaries and love. They need to know what is allowed of them and what is not tolerated (like violence of any sort, for example). Boundaries give them comfort because it lets them know your expectations and what they need to do to fulfill those expectations. Love is a nonnegotiable need for all people. Different kids accept love in different ways. Some may want quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch (See 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman). Give your kids lots of positive reinforcement when they do something you want them to do and give them love unconditionally–no matter what they do.
A simple environment will more likely translate in to a home of more emotional calmness. When your child is quietly engaged in an activity allow them the peace and quiet to focus on what has captured their attention, no matter how trivial it may seem to you. Too many toys in a playroom usually results in the kids playing with none of them. Little children (5 and under) don’t care about expensive experiences–they care about attention from their parents. If you do take them on an expensive experience (ex. far-away vacation, live theatre, fancy dinner) be honest with yourself that it is more about fulfilling your needs than theirs. Overstimulation–in activities or environment–will cause anxiety for you and/or your young children–so try hard to keep it simple and have developmentally appropriate expectations! And remember: the best things in life aren’t things.
It is important to understand your childs cognitive development so that your keep your expectations relative to their abilities. Cognitive development refers to how they think, problem solve, and learn. You want to push them just enough so they are interested to learn but not too much that they are overwhelmed and give up. You want to clarify and simplify your expectations relative to your child’s development and try hard not to compare them to other kids. Carol Dweck, well celebrated researcher on mindset, reminds us to celebrate the process of learning (which includes mistakes), not just focus on the outcome. Being labeled “good” or “bad” (fixed mindset) can have detrimental effects on your child’s self-efficacy but being positively reinforced for their growth, hard work, and effort (growth mindset) will give them the encouragement and knowledge that continually learning is the optimal outcome whether they are 2 or 22.
The second principle is: Set yourself up for success. Parenting is already a hard job–don’t make it harder by bringing your child into a situation that you know will not work out well for them (or you) and expect a miracle. By adjusting your expectations–making them more realistic and honest with what their needs are–you will make your child and yourself happier, saner, and more relaxed. Now, obviously there are times when we know we are bringing them into a situation that will be tough for them. If this is the case, allow them to feel those feelings and recognize your needs versus their needs. Are they/you upset because they/you are tired/bored/hungry? Are they/you upset because your plans changed? Are they/you angry because you are missing out on a fun time? Are they/you sad that you didn’t get to do what you wanted? Do you have unreasonably high expectations for yourself? When I had my first child, my only goal for the first 6 weeks of his life was to keep him alive and to shower everyday. Seriously those were my life’s goals and some days, that was really hard. As kids get older, you grow with them and learn to anticipate their needs. Listen to that voice inside of you–it is the cultivation of a parental instinct and is gets better with the more experience you have as a parent.
There is hope is the final foundational parenting principle of the Rochester Parenting Coach. It simply refers to the fact that no matter how poorly behaved your kids are, how challenging they may be, how stressful parenting is, it can get better. Ask for help early and often. Don’t wait for little problems (my cute little 2-year-old won’t listen, ha ha!) turn into big problems (why won’t my teenager listen?!!?!). I started this business after finding that my son was remarkably responsive to a well planned behavioral intervention and thought that everyone deserves to have some experienced eyes on their children and thus their parenting. Be honest with yourself if you need help–this is a journey and even a slight adjustment can have wide-reaching positive or negative consequences. You decide.